Fi Darby, outdoor writer

“Being outdoors reminds me I’m still the capable woman I used to be”

To be honest, before it all started I was looking forward to the menopause – no more periods, no more fuss, no more hassle. The experience itself, however, took me entirely by surprise. It felt as though I went in a couple of months from being a strong, capable woman with a successful career to an anxious, depressed one unable to face even the most simple of problems without bursting into tears.

We women don’t tend to talk about the menopause, which is probably why it took me a couple of years and some additional physical symptoms to realise that my feelings of utter vulnerability were one of the effects of fluctuating hormone levels. It was a dark time; I lost my job, my career and my self-esteem. Without the support of my family, my friends and later my GP, I can honestly say that I’m not sure I would be here today.

I have always been a hillwalker, and I spent much of my forties teaching young people expedition skills as part of Dartmoor’s Ten Tors Challenge and the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award. Throughout the early months of my menopausal experience, I found myself spending less and less time outdoors. I lost confidence with my physical ability and then started to lose out on the health and social wellbeing aspects of an outdoor lifestyle. It was after a failed attempt to reach the top of Cadair Idris that my fears about being an outdoor disappointment really kicked in. As far as I was concerned menopausal-me had climbed her last mountain and was fit only for the walking scrapheap.

Dark times followed. I had turned my back on a stressful but much-loved career and was starting my own freelance outdoor-writing business. Writing gave me far too many excuses to stay inside, which in turn made me feel like an outdoor fraud. I had built my online reputation through being outdoors but my roller-coasting menopausal emotions were now convincing me that I was too unfit, too overweight and too incompetent to be out there. There seemed to be no solution and working alone meant I had very few opportunities to talk about the way I was feeling. 

Ironically for a hiker, it was outdoor swimming that brought back my love of walking. A text from a friend led to a whole winter of sea and river swimming, and my outdoor friendship group grew. My quest to find more interesting and exciting places to swim also meant I started walking again. This summer my husband Simon and I visited the Cairngorms, and I found myself back at the top of a mountain, then taking myself on another walk the following day to find a loch to swim in.

These days I take the outdoors as medicine. Early morning swims in cold water can beat any hot flush, walks high on Dartmoor can clear my confused head, and teaching other people wild camping and navigation skills reminds me I’m still the capable woman I used to be. The menopausal mental health symptoms are still there and can overtake me if I neglect to take my daily dose of the outdoors, but through walking and swimming I can manage these symptoms and feel good about myself most of the time. 

Follow Fi’s journey online at twoblondeswalking.com